You can literally feel your heart ache. To those who have felt love, would know that this is very much possible.
Your heart pains.. Your lungs tighten. Breathing is no more a subconscious task handled by your primitive brain. Your throat is stuck as if there is a huge lump stuck there. Your brain is numb. For some, the eyes well up, while for others it is just too numbing...
Your body knows you have to do something, something to stop this new feeling. But your brain is too stuck. Too panicked, maybe, you can't do anything.
A hundred million questions and memories flash like a bullet train in your mind.
The day you met them, their smile, why you fell in love with them, the stories you shared, their negative traits, their vulnerable moments where you were there for them, holding them, trusting them, supporting them...
And you start thinking, why wasn't I good enough? I did so much for them? Why don't they see that? Am I not good enough for them? What did I do wrong?
And now all the things you did will open a new train of memories, your little fights, your arguments, your disagreements, your physical appearance, moments when you were caught up with something else and were not able to attend to their calls, every single detail will run amok.
At this point your brain runs amok. Trying to make sense of something that is not their field of expertise. You can't turn to the heart now, it's already broken, shattered. It needs to be sent to CCU.
Within a short period of time your emotion goes on one hell of a roller coaster - devastated, anger, self blaming, self pity, self regret, pain, pleading... Everything happens.
The emotional pain seeps into physical pain which ends up messing your mental health, and then finally you are numb. You are lost. All you want is for this dreadful pain to go away. Oh please make it stop.
How do you end pain? You end the source of it all. Source of it all? Being alive. How would you have pain if you are dead??
The only solution to this seemingly unsolvable pain - suicide. It takes a certain courage to be able to do that. Someone who decides to end their life are not cowards. It's the last thing a coward would do.
So you take that knife or stand on the ledge of the window or bridge, or whatever method you chose and that one split brief moment your mind will confirm if you are sure you want to do it.
Just for a split second. The world goes blank. As you stare at the end. Everything becomes still and dead silent.
This is it. This is the end of this pain.
And you do it.
If you chose to cut yourself throat wrist anywhere, you lay there waiting, waiting for the grim reaper to get called on his pager and get on his overtime shift.
The blood oozes out. And you look at it and with that blood, all those pain within you seeps out. A sense of calmness washes over you. It's over.
But is it?
Pain is a form of feeling, like energy. It can't be destroyed nor created. Feelings can be altered. It can be shaped into something else, but you can't completely destroy it.
Similarly, the pain may have left you, but it will consume those who love you. Your friends, your family.
No matter what you may think, there will always be someone who loves and cares for you so much, that when you do take your life, they will blame themselves.
Blame themselves for not being there for you. Blame themselves for not knowing what you were going through. Blame themselves for not able to help you. Blame themselves for not being able to keep you away from this pain.
Why?
Because they don't realize that this was your life. Your story. And it was your battle. A battle you decided to give up and surrender.
Yes. Suicide is nothing but an act of believing that you are not strong enough to handle the pain. The pain that is unbearable. An emotional pain that takes all your energy-- emotional, mental, spiritual and physical, drains you dry. So you want it to end. Simple but difficult to pull of solution.
That split moment, no matter how selflessly you have lived, at that moment you become selfish.
Does this sound familiar? Do you relate to the pain? The feeling and the emotion?
Though you may have not died or attempted suicide, but the thought of it might have crossed your mind.
If you have ever felt these emotions, then do remember that you are not the first nor are you alone in feeling them.
Heartbreaks and breakups have been around as long as love has existed. Hundreds of thousands of people have gone through it, from Nobel Prize winners, to the most common human.
If you were blessed with the ability to love, then trust me when I say, you have the ability to get through a heartbreak - - 100% guarantee.
But ironically, the pain that was brought by love, can only be recovered BY LOVE alone.
To re-learn love. To fall back in love with yourself is the only way to come out stronger and better.
Everyone is unique and special. Hence, each person has their own way to recover as the needs of the heart differs. So the first step to recovery is self assessment and self evaluation.
To know yourself and to find what makes you happy is the key to recovery. Many fail to identify this for they believe their lover has taken their will to live.
Why this is a wrong approach and understanding? I have explored it further here : https://fairyconviction.blogspot.com/2018/09/love-mathematics.html?m=1
The key is that we have to relearn to live without someone who have taken alot of you.
To know the pain, is to have felt the pain. Trust me when I say, I have felt love deeply and have hurt deeply. From long term relationships, to Unrequited love. I have felt cold hard rejection, to separation due to external reasons.
Each experience, with impacts of different levels but none that have not helped me become closer to myself.
After each experience, I had a new perspective of myself and my outlook on life.
Until I learn the lessson, life will continue to throw me the same experiences and tests. I have not learnt my lesson, because I am still lost.
To those of you who have gone through a break up or suffering from a heartache, I know what you are going through, because I have gone through it too. So in PART 2, I will share with you how I worked on recovering and starting to love myself, life and love my skin.
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